Cultivating Safety From Within

I used to be addicted to “knowing”- I couldn’t get enough. I would constantly consume information, courses, social media posts, podcasts.

And then I realized that I had a belief that the more knowledge I had, the safer I would be. 

I had untangle the belief that safety meant always knowing, absorbing info, constantly listening to podcasts, watching YouTube videos.

That my safety was based on external people and situations. 

Of course this is helpful and important to a degree.

But I learned that safety is not something I could find from outside information. 

Safety is a feeling I needed to cultivate from within- by learning to be in my body, connect to my body, listen to my body. By healing trauma, patterns, and beliefs stored in my body. 

“All We Ever Do- Is All We Ever Knew”

(Currently singing The Head and the Heart song…)

Most of us are running on autopilot, based on our old beliefs and patterns that we took on from caregivers and those around us, especially from ages 0-7, when our brain is like a sponge absorbing everything we see and hear, and taking it on as truth. 

We go through the world, operating on these outdated programs and beliefs, and it can feel REALLY uncomfortable to change them. When these beliefs are challenged, we may get triggered, feel resistance, and go back to what we know to feel safe. Our body is highly intelligent and our subconscious will try anything to keep us in the same loops, because it’s trying to protect us and keep us safe. 

AND

These programs are keeping us stuck and limited. It can be difficult to grow, change, and expand because there is so much resistance to doing so. 

The goal isn’t to resist the resistance but rather lean into it, listen to it, work with it, and integrate it. 

Some ways I have done this are though: somatic work, inner child work and parts work, subconscious reprogramming, breathwork, and energy work. 

The Path To Self-Liberation

For most of my life I felt “muted.” 

I felt like there were parts of me in cages, wanting so badly to come out, but staying stuck out of fear and programming. 

I was so good at being the person I felt like others wanted me to be- saying and doing exactly what I needed to fit in. 

Different parts would come out in different situations, depending on how safe I felt, but I didn’t feel like I could be truly me in all situations, which is what I so badly wanted. 

I knew these parts existed because they existed so freely when I was younger. Before I cared what other people thought. Before I was taught these parts were “wrong,” “bad, or “weird,” by others. 

I felt this strong urge to set them free, but each time there was resistance. 

Emotional release, somatic work, breathwork, energy work, PSYCH-K helped me to work through these trapped parts of me begging to be set free. 

What If Fear Doesn’t Always Feel Like an “Illusion?”

What should we do when we keep hearing “fear is an illusion,” but it feels very real in our body?

Yes, there are certain situations where “fear is an illusion”- we are not in immediate danger. AND, whether it’s from a current situation, a past event, or future perception, it may feel very real in our body. Let’s talk about that.

Incongruence happens when our mind is saying “fear is an illusion!” And our body is like “Nope, this is super real to me!”

When I first heard “fear is an illusion,” I labeled the fear I was experiencing as “bad” and repressed and avoided it. I distracted myself and decided to focus on more “positive” emotions instead. 

The fear remained, rearing its ugly head- sometimes on a daily basis- causing anxiety, occasional panic attacks, worry. I kept avoiding it.

Until I started doing more somatic-based healing and realized that I wasn’t helping myself by repressing the fear and pretending it didn't exist- I was causing more harm. And, even subconsciously, I was expending so much energy  keeping the fear at bay. 

So what’s the answer? What do we do when we keep feeling this fear, even if we know we are not in immediate danger?

We get still, notice where the fear is living inside of us, pay attention to how it feels, looks, etc (we all have different ways of sensing things.) We sit with it, maybe take a few deep breaths into it to give it some space. We treat it like a little kid who is terrified. We ask what it needs. Acknowledgment? Validation? Comfort? To share a memory or express something? A hug? And we give this part what it needs from our current adult self. 

Again and again- it’s a process- not necessarily a one-time thing.

This is how we learn to be with the fear. To fully feel it, allow it, and integrate it. To develop more safety in our body over time to hold it. This is how, over time, we learn to rewire our nervous system and brains to react differently to these situations.

The fear will always be there. It’s a normal human emotion that wont disappear. But our relationship to fear changes when our mind and body are both on board.  

Learning To Feel It All

My life changed when instead of trying to be happy all of the time, I realized my goal was to be able to hold all of the emotions- grief, fear, sadness, and joy, love, happiness - more deeply, more safely, more expansively.

I used to think that the goal in life was to feel happy all of the time.

I thought it was only safe to think positive thoughts. I pushed away “negative” uncomfortable emotions because they felt too intense, overwhelming, and scary.

And then a chaotic mix of events taught me that what was keeping me from experiencing more happiness was actually avoiding feeling the more difficult emotions.

I was in a nervous system freeze state and my body was terrified of feeling. Expanding my nervous system’s window of tolerance (healthy range of feeling) allowed me start feeling all the emotions on deeper levels. Which felt scary at first, but also liberating.

As I continued to surrender to some intense, dark emotions, I would emerge as a new version of myself- one that was able to feel more safety and surrender in the dark so that I could feel even more love, joy, power, creativity, aliveness. One that realized the more we face and embrace our fears, the more we can experience the beauty of the world.

This is an ongoing process. A work in progress. 

AND I feel more resilient. Deeper connection. More OK with the inevitable ups and downs.

Life is so much richer and fuller. And I’m here for all of it.